Worst film evah!
Sep. 6th, 2005 01:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chickenfeetI watched Les Trottoirs de Bangkok the other night. This is quite possibly the worst film ever made. It's not even so bad it's good in an Ed Wood sort of way. It's just bad.
The film starts with a a group of French Secret Service Agents reviewing a film of one of their agents (Rick) who is missing, presumed dead, in Bangkok. Rick apparently possessed a very nasty indeed biological weapon. He is also known to have given something Very Important to an emaciated Thai prostitute called Eva. The FSS men decide to send one of their number to Bangkok to retrieve VNIBW from Eva. So, for reasons that are unclear, do a gang of French female gangsters. Indeed FFG gets to Bangkok first and bumps of FSS contact and replaces him claiming to be his wife. The absence of tradecraft at this point goes a long way to explaining why the FSS is pants.
FSS agent and FFG go looking for Eva at her place of employment which is a brothel run by one Tong who looks exactly like Fu Manchu. The next 45 minutes or so are mostly just an excuse to watch Tong rip the top off a couple of girls and for various exotic dancers and masseuses to shake their booties. This is done with dim lighting because this is a Serious French Art Film not a soft porn piece of schlock. While all this is going on FFG sets Eva up with a passage by ship to Le Havre where she promises she will be met by Rick. Needless to say Eva is raped by the ship's captain. She is also made to swap her perfectly normal Thai dress for a little white number which will, as we shall see, be appropriately transparent when wet. This is supposed to make her less conspicuous.
On arrival in Le Havre, Eva has to swim to the quayside and thus the point of the little white dress is revealed. For some reason FFG who meets Eva is now on her side and the pair of them are pursued through the marshalling yards of Le Havre by FFGs carrying an assortment of 1940s vintage automatic weapons and by the FSS agents who have shown up with the movie's real star, a German Shepherd called Rex. This is a relief as he is a better actor and a better looker than any of the males we have seen thus far.
After much faffing about Eva and renegade FFG are captured by the rest of the FFGs who, despite loosing off serious amounts of ordnance have faile to knock off any of the FSS men. The FSS men return to their car (curiously a Mercedes) when who should show up but, yes, "I'm not dead yet" Rick. One of the FSS men conveniently tells Rick where the FFGs have gone before Rick shoots them all (except Rudy).
Back at the Chateau, the FFGs are disinclined to believe Eva's stoiry that all Rick gave her was a photograph of himself so they tie her up to a ceiling beam and start to flog her. Boss female French gangster watches this via close circuit TV. Up to this point the essential blowsiness of BFFG has been concealed by a variety of extremely expensive couture outfits. The current one is now divested so that she can be rogered by token boytoy gangster while watching the ongoing flogging. Rick arrives and restores good taste to the proceedings by shooting BFFG and boytoy.
I got a bit confused at the point but I know that Eva got free and RFFG was shot by two other FFGs who are in turn shot by Rick. Rick then goes after Eva and tells us "she knows too much" so he will have to waste her. Just as he is about to do this Rudy shows up and seizes gun arm in text book German Shepherd fashion. Rick drops gun. Eva shoots Rick. Eva and Rudy live happily ever after.
The film starts with a a group of French Secret Service Agents reviewing a film of one of their agents (Rick) who is missing, presumed dead, in Bangkok. Rick apparently possessed a very nasty indeed biological weapon. He is also known to have given something Very Important to an emaciated Thai prostitute called Eva. The FSS men decide to send one of their number to Bangkok to retrieve VNIBW from Eva. So, for reasons that are unclear, do a gang of French female gangsters. Indeed FFG gets to Bangkok first and bumps of FSS contact and replaces him claiming to be his wife. The absence of tradecraft at this point goes a long way to explaining why the FSS is pants.
FSS agent and FFG go looking for Eva at her place of employment which is a brothel run by one Tong who looks exactly like Fu Manchu. The next 45 minutes or so are mostly just an excuse to watch Tong rip the top off a couple of girls and for various exotic dancers and masseuses to shake their booties. This is done with dim lighting because this is a Serious French Art Film not a soft porn piece of schlock. While all this is going on FFG sets Eva up with a passage by ship to Le Havre where she promises she will be met by Rick. Needless to say Eva is raped by the ship's captain. She is also made to swap her perfectly normal Thai dress for a little white number which will, as we shall see, be appropriately transparent when wet. This is supposed to make her less conspicuous.
On arrival in Le Havre, Eva has to swim to the quayside and thus the point of the little white dress is revealed. For some reason FFG who meets Eva is now on her side and the pair of them are pursued through the marshalling yards of Le Havre by FFGs carrying an assortment of 1940s vintage automatic weapons and by the FSS agents who have shown up with the movie's real star, a German Shepherd called Rex. This is a relief as he is a better actor and a better looker than any of the males we have seen thus far.
After much faffing about Eva and renegade FFG are captured by the rest of the FFGs who, despite loosing off serious amounts of ordnance have faile to knock off any of the FSS men. The FSS men return to their car (curiously a Mercedes) when who should show up but, yes, "I'm not dead yet" Rick. One of the FSS men conveniently tells Rick where the FFGs have gone before Rick shoots them all (except Rudy).
Back at the Chateau, the FFGs are disinclined to believe Eva's stoiry that all Rick gave her was a photograph of himself so they tie her up to a ceiling beam and start to flog her. Boss female French gangster watches this via close circuit TV. Up to this point the essential blowsiness of BFFG has been concealed by a variety of extremely expensive couture outfits. The current one is now divested so that she can be rogered by token boytoy gangster while watching the ongoing flogging. Rick arrives and restores good taste to the proceedings by shooting BFFG and boytoy.
I got a bit confused at the point but I know that Eva got free and RFFG was shot by two other FFGs who are in turn shot by Rick. Rick then goes after Eva and tells us "she knows too much" so he will have to waste her. Just as he is about to do this Rudy shows up and seizes gun arm in text book German Shepherd fashion. Rick drops gun. Eva shoots Rick. Eva and Rudy live happily ever after.
